Random Anorexics

I saw the strangest looking baby the other day. Bald, big-boned, no more than 15 months old and with a sort of severe expression on his face, he resembled a grown man more than he did a toddler. It was such a freakish sight that I stood there frozen, staring at him as though he were an attraction in a circus sideshow, when suddenly I had a vision of his future. It wasn’t pretty, and all I can say is, thank god I’m not his mother:

Thanks to Crazy D for the pic!

“You make death sound like such an ugly thing.”

– Me, in response to my friend Crazy D, who was trying to lift me out of a morbid slump by highlighting the dark side of death, namely that dead bodies bloat (the horror!) and stink.

I witnessed a horrifying scene on my flight home from California the other day. A woman sitting in the row next to me was sandwiched between two little girls about 4 to 6 years old, and she was READING TO THEM FROM PEOPLE MAGAZINE. I know what you’re thinking - there’s nothing to read in People, and to be fair, she wasn’t really reading. She was pointing to the pictures and talking about the celebrities. At a certain point, she must have reached a feature on a formerly obese person who had lost weight because she started explaining to the girls how a person can get so fat. Her explanation was one for the medical books: “She got so fat because she ate A LOT of unhealthy foods.” Thanks, Genius Lady. You’re surely doing wonders for America’s future.

We all know Emaciated Lady has issues and now I know why. Upon landing in California last week for a visit, I was taken to her parents’ house where a veritable feast awaited me. Emaciated Lady’s parents are immigrants and hospitality in their culture is apparently measured by how much you can make a guest binge eat. So I did my best to indulge them, taking a little bit of everything that was vegetarian.

It was sweet of her mom to accommodate me, especially considering her dad’s attitude toward meat, which became clear about halfway through the meal. He looked at me and in a thick accent asked, “Why you don’t eat meat? Don’t you know God put the animals on the earth for us to kill and eat and barbeque them? That must be why you so skinny.” Of course, I took this latter statement as a great compliment. But I also wanted to correct him with, “No, the reason I’m so skinny is because I starve.”

This is us eating. Not something we do very often, but here we are caught in the act. We know this is a disturbing image, and we’re sorry for those of you who are disgusted. Trust us, we are too. But in our defense, it was a social occasion so we HAD to eat. We did split a veggie burger and a salad though, and it wasn’t our fault the damned kitchen staff added a heaping pile of tater tots, which, to our credit, we couldn’t even finish. But maybe that was because we were loaded up on alcohol. Either way…

Photo Credit: Thanks, Muffin Man!

“You two skip meals like it’s nobody’s business.”

Extra Large Man congratulating me and Skinny Lady on a job well done last week.

Skinny Lady left last night and I knew the time had come to step on a scale and determine what kind of damage she caused to my body. Shockingly, rather than turning into a tub of lard (as is usually expected when you get the two of us together), I lost 8 ounces. I’m so proud of Skinny and myself for our committment to anorexia.

I’m an extremely jealous anorexic. For example, my coworker got a tumor removed from her salivary gland last week and I couldn’t help but be envious about all the weight she would lose after her surgery. If I were to ever grow a tumor, I hope it would be in my stomach or throat to prevent me from eating.

And last night, after a decadent Mexican dinner complete with margaritas and a joint, I was green with jealousy as I watched Skinny Lady puke up all the calories she consumed. 

I feel like a failure.