Posts from — January 2009

Unless you’re living in some third world nation without water, tv and an Internet connection, then you’re likely aware of this week’s breaking news: Jessica Simpson is fat. Though I’m a staunch advocate of skinny, I’m less concerned about her extra 10 lbs than I am about:

• the fashion statement she’s making
• our unsustainable lifestyle choices
• oil company’s soaring profits despite the recession
• corporate bonuses
• starving children
• the U.S. healthcare crisis
• war and crimes against humanity
• a zillion other more important things

While we at Random Anorexics are ladies, we understand that men can have eating disorder too. I know because my husband measures serving sizes, exercises like a fiend and is skinny enough to fit into my jeans. In fact, if you consider weighing mustard, counting m&m’s, performing irrational calorie calculations and seeing fat where none exists eating disordered behaviors, then I have to say that at least half of the men in my life need treatment.

Because we consider ourselves equal opportunity anorexics, we’d like to invite our male readers to share their stories, insights, opinions, skinny bitch quotes and stupid significant other quotes with us. The gender neutral and gender confused are invited too. Submit them as a comment or email skinnylady@randomanorexics.com.

Sometimes I want to lick a raw chicken breast so I get a severe case of the stomach flu. In my fucked up brain, it’s the quickest way to lose weight. I could possibly die, but anorexics risk their lives to be skinny.

For all of you touting self acceptance, you should just accept that appearance does matter. While we can’t change society, we can change ourselves. I’m not talking about plastic surgery and I’m surely not suggesting everyone start starving themselves. But fewer calories and a little makeup go a long way. Take care of yourselves for God’s sake. Human bodies weren’t meant to be fat.

It encompasses the dimensions of my body and maybe a few inches beyond. That space is sacred, and if you violate it, I will curse you to no end under my breath. I’m specifically talking to you, pastry-stalking lady in line behind me at the coffee shop. I don’t care if you are dying to get your hands on a couple of muffins from that pastry case. You see, there are these other things called people, and though some of us may be less visible given that we’re about a third of your size, our existence is no less real and our personal space no less sacred. So please take a moment to stop ogling the pastries and back the fuck up. Your breath stinks and it’s causing me to lose the little appetite I have left.

I don’t watch Top Chef, which I’m now reconsidering given I recently missed an episode in which three former contestants were challenged to create a guilt-free dessert using my once favorite indulgence: Diet Dr. Pepper. I would hardly call the resulting recipes guilt-free, which is why I’m only going to provide a portion of the recipe for Chef Betty’s Flaiming Cherries here:

Diet Dr. Pepper Cherry Sauce

Ingredients:

• 2 (12 oz.) cans of Diet Dr. Pepper
• 1 Tbsp almond syrup
• Juice from half an orange
• 1 tbsp brown sugar
• 1 pint fresh black cherries, pitted
• 1/8 tsp ground cloves
• 1/8 cup Amaretto
• 1/4 cup Cognac

Directions:
Place Diet Dr Pepper, cherries, almond syrup, orange juice, brown sugar and ground cloves in sauce pan over low-medium heat and cook down for 15-20 minutes until it becomes thick and syrupy. Keep an eye on it near the end so it doesn’t burn. Let cool and set aside. Blend the Amaretto and Cognac and set aside, keep at room temperature.

Now this is supposed to be served over Honey-Vanilla-Black Pepper Frozen Yogurt and topped with Candied Cinnamon Almond Carrot Ribbons, but that’s a bit much for an anorexic, which is why I recommend a teaspoon serving size of just the sauce.

Emaciated Lady:  I lost my ability to poop regularly when I quit smoking.
Skinny Lady:  Ugh, that’s the worst because then you feel like you weigh an extra five pounds.
Emaciated Lady:  Exactly, should I take laxatives?
Skinny Lady:  Poop can make or break my day.
Emaciated Lady:  It truly can. I used to lose weight with my old pooping habits.
Skinny Lady:  And the only reason I don’t go back to laxatives
is because I don’t ever want to lose control of my bowels.
Emaciated Lady: That’s what I’m scared of.
Skinny Lady:  One word – Benefiber.
Emaciated Lady:  Does it really work?
Skinny Lady:  Wonders, put a couple of teaspoons in your morning coffee.
Emaciated Lady: I can’t believe I didn’t think of that.
I’m buying it when I get my next paycheck.
Skinny Lady:  Can you believe we’re talking about poop?
Emaciated Lady:  No, but it’s only natural that our relationship take this course.

Belly fat – it’s almost universally condemned, save for Fabienne from Pulp Fiction, the pathetic little French girl who lamented her lack of a “pot.” Everywhere I turn and with every click of my mouse, I’m confronted by advertisements, diet books, images and news stories warning of the evils of belly fat and promising secrets to banish it forever. 

It really makes me miss the days when belly fat was cool, when it symbolized female fertility, prosperity and could get a girl through a long, harsh winter. But nowadays it’s a sign of gluttony, disease and poor genetic coding, and much to my dismay, I can’t starve or exercise my belly fat away. So I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my mom for this persistent bitch I call my belly. What long ago would have been my genetic boon is now nothing but an ugly curse.