Posts from — April 2009

Every morning I wake up with hopes to conquer the world. In my case, a conquest is as simple as going to the gym or abstaining from alcohol. Sounds easy enough but by the time I’m done licking the balls of corporate America at 6:00 pm, I can’t down a drink fast enough. Some might call this an alcohol problem. I call it a “fat” problem since the 12 or more ounces of red wine I drink a night is equivalent to a lot of calories. So on Sunday I made a decision to stay sober Monday through Friday. Today is day two and I’m hoping my wine belly helps keep me in check.

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but there is such a thing as legs that are too skinny. I know because I have them and they’re the reason I don’t wear shorts. Except when it’s 90 degrees and 99 percent humidity on moving day. Then I’m forced to cave. I guess I should be proud of my disproportionately skinny legs since they serve as a distraction from fat in other areas, but they  make me feel like a fraud.

Case in point: On moving day, my husband told our friend that I was on a “french fry tear” last week. Though true, this is an embarrassing fact that I felt forced to acknowledge. When I did, my friend replied with, “…But as some part of you knows, you could use all the fries you can find as you are the skinniest of sticks.” As sweet a compliment as that is to a girl like me, my impulse is to object with, ”No, dear friend, you were just too distracted by the long, skinny stems to notice the muffin top just a few inches higher.”

Believe it or not, as bitchy as we are, Emaciated Lady and I have made quite a few virtual friends, two of whom are bffs chronicling their struggle to lose weight. What we like most about these gals is their sense of humor, which we’d like to share with our own readers by way of a post swap. The following post is titled “Dear Hershey’s…” and you can read more of their posts at Weight Loss with the Fabulous Fatties. Enjoy!

Dear Hershey’s,

We have been friends for a long time you and I. You have been there for me through everything in my life and I really appreciate it. We have laughed and cried together often. You have always been there to go grab a coke and take a ride with me anytime I have needed you. Thanks for keeping my secrets when I have cheated on ALL of my past diets! You were there when I was little and  I used to save my dimes and nickels  just to run across the street and buy your chocolate heavenly goodies. I would bet there hasn’t been more than 2 consecutive days in my 36 years that I have not eaten something you have magically created. Well I guess it would be 34 because I couldn’t eat solid food for the first 1-2 years of my life.

You are the perfect solution to happiness, sadness, divorce, marriage, pregnancy, depression, celebration and boredom. The only thing that you are not perfect for is weight loss! Oh how I have enjoyed your Hugs and Kisses…I believe I will be going through withdrawals from your hugs. Without a doubt your hugs are my addiction. I am actually eating the rest of my last bag today   So starting tomorrow I will not be buying you any longer. Please don’t take it personally…it’s not you it’s me. I am carrying you with me everywhere I go. You are in my heart, on my butt, bulging out of my stomach and hips, you even gave me an extra chin to remember you by.                                           

Hugs and Kisses to you… XOXOXOXO

It should come as no surprise that my diet is not the least well-rounded, but it tends to be worse than usual when I’m feeling stress. This was the case last week when, with a move on the weekend horizon, I spent the entire week eating comfort food CRAP — a scone here, fries there, and next thing I know the week has passed and I haven’t consumed a single food item of any substantive nutritional value.  I managed not to gain an ounce, but how I  managed to survive is a different story altogether. So as a favor to my husband who needs me to stick around for another decade or so, I’m eating healthy this week. In fact, the fridge is full of carrots and cauliflower and I’m thinking those two things should buy me at least a few more years. Will have to wait and see though.

The most obvious advice we can give to a person trying not to be fat — and one that Skinny Lady and I forget to follow on occasion — is to stay away from places that sell food when you’re hungry. Following are some examples as to what may occur should you fail to comply:

• You eat a blini (a Russian crepe) from a farmer’s market for lunch. Then you stop by Whole Foods on the way home and buy a falafel wrap and eat that for lunch too.
• Your husband finds you in the bread aisle at the grocery store 25 minutes after sending you there. You can’t decide on just one loaf and would have bought three if Skinny Man didn’t show up.
• You impulsively buy fattening food and snacks and then impulsively eat them at home just to get it out of your sight.
• You wake up early on a Monday morning and ask your husband to make you french toast with the pumpkin walnut bread you stupidly purchased the day before when you went to the market hungry.

What would be considered a relaxing experience to the “normal” person can only be described as an anorexic’s idea of hell. Courtesy of Spa Week, I had an appointment for a 75 minute hot stone massage on Saturday. It turns out my masseuse was a young, cute, surfer-guy and the room I was about to bear my ass in didn’t have black-out shades or dim lighting. I panicked, but couldn’t think of a reasonable excuse (other than my fucked-up body image) to back out so I got undressed and tried not to hyperventilate as the surfer oiled me down to the tunes of Bob Marley. I felt the same kind of shame that’s typical after a one-night stand. I was allowing this man to see me in “most” of my glory fat after only having just met him. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough, but not before booking my next appointment for June. That means I have two months to get emaciated again and redeem myself. He needs to know I’m not usually this chunky.

Last year’s string bikini. Is it just me or does that butt look big to you?

Skinny Lady, HELP! I just put on my skinny jeans and you can see my back thigh ripples through them. I’m really scared. Do something to get me out of this slump.