Posts from — June 2009

We all know Emaciated Lady has issues and now I know why. Upon landing in California last week for a visit, I was taken to her parents’ house where a veritable feast awaited me. Emaciated Lady’s parents are immigrants and hospitality in their culture is apparently measured by how much you can make a guest binge eat. So I did my best to indulge them, taking a little bit of everything that was vegetarian.

It was sweet of her mom to accommodate me, especially considering her dad’s attitude toward meat, which became clear about halfway through the meal. He looked at me and in a thick accent asked, “Why you don’t eat meat? Don’t you know God put the animals on the earth for us to kill and eat and barbeque them? That must be why you so skinny.” Of course, I took this latter statement as a great compliment. But I also wanted to correct him with, “No, the reason I’m so skinny is because I starve.”

This is us eating. Not something we do very often, but here we are caught in the act. We know this is a disturbing image, and we’re sorry for those of you who are disgusted. Trust us, we are too. But in our defense, it was a social occasion so we HAD to eat. We did split a veggie burger and a salad though, and it wasn’t our fault the damned kitchen staff added a heaping pile of tater tots, which, to our credit, we couldn’t even finish. But maybe that was because we were loaded up on alcohol. Either way…

Photo Credit: Thanks, Muffin Man!

“You two skip meals like it’s nobody’s business.”

Extra Large Man congratulating me and Skinny Lady on a job well done last week.

Skinny Lady left last night and I knew the time had come to step on a scale and determine what kind of damage she caused to my body. Shockingly, rather than turning into a tub of lard (as is usually expected when you get the two of us together), I lost 8 ounces. I’m so proud of Skinny and myself for our commitment to anorexia.

I’m an extremely jealous anorexic. For example, my coworker got a tumor removed from her salivary gland last week and I couldn’t help but be envious about all the weight she would lose after her surgery. If I were to ever grow a tumor, I hope it would be in my stomach or throat to prevent me from eating.

And last night, after a decadent Mexican dinner complete with margaritas and a joint, I was green with jealousy as I watched Skinny Lady puke up all the calories she consumed. 

I feel like a failure.

Super size Benefiber. I traveled 3,000 miles to visit Emaciated Lady, and this is the monstrosity that greeted me when I walked into her kitchen. I have to take credit for introducing her to the stuff, but I had no idea the love affair had gotten so out of control.

Note: Object in picture is LARGER than it appears.

My dad starved himself to death 12 years ago but if he were here today, I’d be sure to thank him for being such a great role model and teaching me that physical beauty is all you’ve got in this life and once it’s gone, you’re pretty much fucked.

And if I had a relationship with my stepdad, I’d thank him for abandoning me when he was all I had left in this world. Thanks guys, and Happy Father’s Day. You both fucking rock!

Earlier I was playing with some baby turtles in my aunt’s fancy koi pond and, like a dumbass, I didn’t even think to wash my hands before picking up a handful of Mini Nilla Wafers and shoving them in my fat mouth. I hope I die of a rare and incurable form of reptile flu. That’s what I deserve for eating when I should be starving.