Posts from — October 2009

I spotted a thin lady in the elevator at work wearing a cow suit. Irony at it’s finest.

P.S. I was compelled to snatch it off her person since it was the perfect costume for me.

I wonder if they’d pay me extra if I sent in photos of my buffalo wings too.

Muffin Top Photo Needed Get $250 (West Los Angeles)

Date: 2009-10-23, 2:35PM PDT
Reply to: jennifer@zyatonix.com [Errors when replying to ads?]

We are a diet pill company and we are doing a new ad for one of our new diet pills. We need a photo of a girl
in jeans with her stomach hanging out over the top of the jeans, this is commonly called a muffin top. This is a mid – body shot. We don’t need your face.
If you are interested please let us know we would like to take your photo ASAP! Our Office is on the corner of Pico and Robertson.
Please email a sample photo to jennifer@zyatonix.com
We can email you some example photos showing what kind of pictures we are looking to take.

Location: West Los Angeles
Compensation: $250
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

I had the nightmare to end all nightmares last night. I’m not sure what the context was because all I remember is sitting with my legs straight out in front of me and looking down to see that not only were my thighs touching (GASP), but the fat there was so profuse that my legs looked less like legs and more like a layer cake. Kind of like this:

Emaciated Lady isn’t the only one battling pregnancy rumors at work. The other day I went in late because I had a doctor’s appointment. At a certain point in the afternoon, a coworker asked me if I had received “good news.” I was baffled. Did I get a secret promotion?

Since I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about, I said no and walked away. But then my curiosity got the best of me, so I turned around and asked what kind of good news I might be expecting. She smirked and whispered, “that you’re pregnant.” My instantaneous reaction was to look down and measure the protrusion of my belly. She must’ve noticed what I was doing because she then added, “you know, because you almost fainted a few weeks ago…”

Right. Because almost fainting + doctor’s appointment weeks later = must be knocked up. Completely logical conclusion. Now I have to worry about mother fuckers watching my stomach to see if I’m lying. I’m tempted to just put a sign there that says, “It’s a genetic flaw, not an incubator, now mind your own fucking business.”

It’s true. There’s a rumor going around my office that I, Emaciated Lady, am pregnant. I went into hiding immediately after hearing this, but it’s time I confess. For a number of reasons, it’s been difficult for me to maintain my desired emaciated frame. I wish I could chalk it up to stress or age, but whatever the case, I know I’ve hit rock bottom when others are convinced I’m stashing a fetus in my womb. The obese idiot coworker who was dumb enough to tell me swears I haven’t gained that much weight, but apparently, it’s enough to make everyone believe I’m with child. In either case, I’ve decided to take extreme action. As soon as I get back from my mini Vegas vacation (where I plan on being nothing less than intoxicated 13 hours a day) I’m going on a cigarette/Bikram yoga diet. I need to prove these bitches wrong. Wish me luck.

“Emaciated Lady, I am judging you for finishing that bag of chips.”

Extra Large Man, upon catching me trying to hide the evidence.

Note: I’m been feeling particularly depressed so yes, I demolished the bag of Kettle Jalapeno chips then I topped it off with slow churn rocky road ice cream. Go ahead, judge me.

Carrie Bradshaw would be ashamed, but I consider this another milestone in the fight against obesity. I’m ordering my pair now! They’re ugly as hell, but at this point, I’d wear a vinyl thermal sweat suit in public if it means dropping a few pounds.

A bunch two of you  are wondering where Skinny and Emaciated Lady have disappeared to.  We haven’t been hiding out, but telling you what we’ve been up to would take all the fun and mystery out of life. So we’ll give you a hint. We’ve been busy with one or more of the following:

• preparing our skeletons for Halloween
• saving feral kittens by letting them suckle on our dry, malnourished breasts
• praying for a miracle cure for muffin tops and buffalo wings
• battling pregnancy rumors spread by morbidly obese jealous coworkers
• reading www.peopleofwalmart.com and being appalled by the state of human affairs there
• feeding the homeless and the hungry
• crossing busy streets without looking both ways

A note to those who care – thank you. You’re our raison d’etre.