Posts from — January 2010

It’s been 4 days since I’ve had a bowel movement and there’s a pimple on my forehead that resembles a massive malignant  tumor. The last thing I want to deal with is some obese whorebag who feels it necessary to block a doorway while she licks every last molecule of frosting off of a piece of cupcake paper. I know what it’s like to want to have sex with your food, but seriously? In public? Either carry your fat ass to a corner or GET A FUCKING ROOM!

I almost went to the gym today. I didn’t, but I’m pretty sure I burned at least 12 calories just thinking about it and that’s something.

A note to art fans:  Do you like the Rothko in the background? It’s an original.

A note to broke mother fuckers like myself:  Microsoft Paint is great for decorating your home when money’s tight. Just look at what I’ve done with my place.

I had an appointment to have a small cyst removed from my head the other day, and I’ll admit I looked forward to it with some excitement. Nor was I disappointed. Immediately upon excision, the doctor’s nurse held the little nugget in front of my face and exclaimed, “CONGRATULATIONS!!!” At first I thought I had given birth to a bouncing baby boy. But when I saw that my baby nugget was actually dead on arrival, I realized she could only be talking about the weight loss that accompanies the birth of a little one. Unfortunately (or fortunately), there are no scales at my dermatologist’s office but if I had to guess, I’d say I lost at least 1/2 a gram that day.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you are a sad specimen of physical health and fitness.”

- Skinny Man, not more than an hour after enjoying a feast of quinoa stuffed bell peppers I made exclusively for him. Next time I’ll remember to add a little rat poison.

It’s 5:00 p.m. and there’s a mass exodus of worker bees from the downtown building where I work. I have only a single street to cross before I make it to the parking garage. Alas, just as I’m halfway to my destination, I fall and skin my knee on the crosswalk. Last time I skinned my knee = approximately 22 years ago. I’ve obviously regressed, or else I’ve eaten so much as to throw my whole center of gravity off.