Humidity is an evil thing. I can always tell the precise amount of water vapor in the air based on how my watch fits in the morning. Today when I went to put on my watch, I felt like I was in an Amazonian jungle strapping an anaconda on my arm. Just look at how swollen my wrist is.

Today I shared the elevator with a woman who should have been taking the stairs. But she wasn’t, and I was trying not to judge because there I was on the elevator too. Then I glanced down and saw what looked like a small suitcase hanging from one of her arms, except it wasn’t a suitcase. It was her lunchbox, and the reason I know is because it was advertised embroidered on the side like this:

Ummm, I know exactly where her lunch is and I can tell you, the one place it ain’t is that bag. I’m not judging. I’m just sayin’…

I know we live in a post-Freudian era where it’s no longer cool to blame our mothers for all that’s wrong in our lives. But I don’t care about being cool, and the honest truth is that my mom is squarely to blame for my self-loathing and generally fucked up mental state. So this year for Mother’s Day, I plan to present my mom with this thoughtful and highly creative  death threat gift:

This post is for those of you who feel ugly and dirty after you eat. See those spots in the middle of my chest that look like moles? Those are bits of chocolate that fell down my shirt as I was eating the chocolate off of peanut m&ms, i.e. proof that 1) I need a bib when I eat and 2) I really am a dirty pig.

Ever heard anyone say that if you want to lose weight, you should take a picture of yourself naked and stick it on the refrigerator? Well, for the first time ever I took a picture of myself naked. Not because I wanted to stick it on the fridge, but because I had actually convinced myself that I probably look better naked than I give myself credit for when I look in the mirror and I figured the camera might provide me with a more objective image. NOPE. So please, people, let my poor judgment serve as an example to you all. Do not try this shit at home.

“I haven’t had a meal, a drink or a cigarette since Sunday and I still haven’t killed anyone.”

– Emaciated Lady, wanting me to congratulate her for making it to day 3 of her 10-day Master Cleanse diet.

True story: I was sunbathing on my back when I flipped over and noticed two seagulls several feet to my right. Seemed innocent enough. Seagulls usually don’t stick around unless you’re throwing french fries at them (or so I’ve heard), and I didn’t even have any food on me. So no big deal. I closed my eyes and continued to soak up some sun. A few minutes later, I happened to open my eyes to find more than a dozen seagulls encroaching onto the little spot of beach I carved out for myself. I kept closing my eyes hoping they’d disappear or go find someone else to harass, but no – every time I opened my eyes, they seemed to have moved an inch or two closer. It was one of those rare eerie moments that can mean only one of two things: 1) the birds could smell my fat roasting in the sun and wanted to eat me, or 2) Alfred Hitchcock lives.

I have lost the will to post anything creative or original. I’m unreasonably fat, unseasonably pale and generally tired of life. Oh, and my brother was just diagnosed with cancer. Sadly, the only hope for a positive outcome I have for his ordeal is the hope that I might actually lose a few pounds since the lump in my throat and knots in my stomach make it virtually impossible to eat.

…

Now that I have you all thoroughly depressed, here’s an exciting new recipe from another one of our beloved fans (we’ll call her the “Bastard”):

Eggs and Spinach

Delicious breakfast full of vitamins and 58 cals, 1 gram of fat, 3 grams carbs, and 10 grams protein. Needs fiber though, and one gram of fat will have some people saying I’m a bastard. Anyway, here it is:

1. Lightly spray pan with spray oil. Use only a very small bit.
2. Put 1/4 cup frozen leaf spinach in the pan. Add a dash of garlic powder and stir on medium high heat until cooked.
3. Pour two egg whites on top of spinach and scramble until cooked.
4. Add 1 tbsp 2% mozzarella cheese, remove from heat, and stir to mix in cheese.

Its just complicated enough to make you feel like you are really cooking. Serve with a cup of diet blueberry pomegranate juice to bring the calorie count up to 58.  

YUM!