God is Dead or Else He’s a C**ksucker

A warning to our God-loving (or God-fearing, whichever) evangelical fans, the following post is extremely blasphemous. Read it and you might be cast immediately into Satan’s fiery pits. To everyone else, what follows is a text exchange between me and a friend on Mother’s Day.

Me: I hope I die. I’m obese.
Friend: I’m right there with you. I just finished eating the most evil dish ever AND I didn’t even exercise today, so death would be God’s own mercy upon me.
Me: Let’s pray.

….an hour or so later…

Friend: Just an update: I’m still alive, which proves that God is exactly as much of a cocksucking shitbag as I’ve always expected.
Me: He truly is.