My Husband is a Skinny Bitch

Some people welcome the weekend with alcohol. But my husband and I, we celebrate by eating like obese rock stars. We can put back some serious food and usually it gets ugly. Everything has to be equal and if it looks like either of us might end up with an extra bite, we start shoveling faster. There have been moments when I thought we would come to blows over a bite of food. Fortunately, this Friday night food rivalry of ours has not yet caused us to divorce.

But I have often wondered what onlookers must think when they see two skinnies like us woofing down food as though we’re in some kind of eating contest. The embarrassment doesn’t tend to set in until after the plates are clean, and then we wonder if someone is going to have the nerve to make a comment. Yesterday someone had the nerve. It was our waitress and when she came over to clean up our mess, she looked at my husband and exclaimed in disbelief, “YOU ATE THAT ENTIRE PLATE OF NACHOS?!” It was an appetizer of veggie nachos that could probably feed a family of 8, and I could see the red rising in his cheeks so I interjected with, “Impressive, huh?” She was impressed, and likely envious too, because her next comment was, “Where do you pack it all in? You must have starved yourself for 3 days!” Too bad he’s not the one who starves. That’s the lot that falls to me. Mother fuckers. I’m the one who deserves the praise!