My Life Is A Sitcom

From the outside my neighborhood looks as swell as any other suburban paradise. We have palm trees, a community pool and even tennis courts. It seemed so blissful when Extra Large Man and I moved in three years ago. If only we knew what fuckers our neighbors are. All of them are pitted against each other in a dog poop war.

It started when we received our first notice from the HOA asking that we please refrain from allowing our dogs to eliminate on the grassy knolls within the complex. For the most part, everyone is pretty good about it. But over the last couple of years, I’ve come home to a pile of dog shit that could have only come from the giant Doberman that lives a few houses down or maybe from the golden retriever that lives across the street. My point is that EVERYONE’S dog poops on EVERYONE’s lawn and they only pick it up 76 percent of the time, which isn’t the biggest deal in the world. Unfortunately, we have some animal haters and I’ve been yelled at on occasion as my innocent little Lily squatted where she wasn’t supposed to.

Well, a couple of months ago I come home to four pieces of dung laid out horizontally in my front walkway. The pieces were strategically placed so there was little chance I wouldn’t step in it. I honestly refused to believe that a suburban neighbor would leave shit on my doorstep, so I figured someone’s idiot dog preferred my walkway to the grass. This happened two more times, but I still couldn’t fathom the reality of the situation. But last night, I exploded when I was once again greeted by a trail of dog poop leading up to my front door.

I suspect that our new next-door neighbors have stepped in dog shit on our shared lawn and just assumed it was our dogs. To teach us a lesson, they moved the shit to our doorstep. If I ever catch one of these fuckers in action, I will actually strangle them. In the meantime, I’m writing a letter to the Homeowner’s Association demanding that this dog poop war be brought up at the next community meeting. Does anyone want to draft the letter for me?