Making the most of our eating disorder

There was no avoiding a night out with the friends this week. I had postponed three times already – one more cancellation would have rendered me a total bitch and I prefer to be just 97 percent bitch. So the three of us headed to a Thai restaurant, where  I ordered garlic tofu over cabbage and my two friends ordered noodle dishes. 

No more than sixty seconds after my food was placed in front of me it was gone.  This is me snorting my dinner through a straw:

Meanwhile, an hour and a half later, my two friends are still picking away at their noodles, both of them eventually opting for a doggy bag to take home their half unfinished plates.

You know, I was trying not to be a bitch. But this is the type of shit that puts me over the edge, and those whorebags are lucky I’m nice enough to keep their faces out of my drawing.

“It’s not like I’m eating out of control…I’m drinking out of control.”

– Emaciated Lady on being a drunkorexic

I’ve been starving myself for the past two weeks, and the anorexic me had totally forgotten what a bitch the fat me is. That is until this morning when I found these on my desk. Apparently I placed the order back when I was eating everything within a 100 mile radius.  I hate myself, but not nearly as much as I do the little crack dealer who sold them to me.

In honor of Valentine’s day, Skinny Man took me shopping for a new bra and panty set.  Sounds sweet, right? WRONG. Not because of anything Skinny Man did, but because I had to buy the panty in a size large.  Um, if this ↓ is a size large…

…then what the fuck is THIS?

After a miserable work function this afternoon, I thought I’d treat myself to food for lunch. I chose to go to an organic pizza place where I ordered a personal-size multigrain thin crust pizza with vegan rice cheese. The waitress told me I was a “champion” as she picked up my empty plate, but immediately realized how insensitive her comment was, so she followed it up with “you look great babe.” I can’t decide which is worse. Being called fat or babe.

Don’t forget to phrase your answer as a question!

My fat cat was consuming her breakfast with such urgency this morning that before she could even finish, she vomited it back up in her bowl. Where she would pick up such unseemly behavior is another story (on which I have no comment, thank you very much).

We like to consider ourselves anarchists, but sometimes the U.S. Government deserves a pat on the back:

The Obamas Battle Childhood Obesity
USA Today

President Obama reinforced first lady Michelle Obama’s battle against childhood obesity today, signing an executive order outlining federal help for the problem that affects a third of the nation’s children. Click here to read the rest of the article.