My BFF, also known as Emaciated Lady, is concerned that her recent carb binging has caused her to gain weight, and in an email confessional she tries to console herself by saying:

I keep reminding myself that you’ll love me even if I’m fat.

A sweet sentiment but sadly erroneous. This statement reveals the same false sense of security that causes so many of us in relationships to gain weight. The truth is, Emaciated Lady, I won’t love you if you’re fat. I can’t, otherwise I’d be doing us each a disservice.

Like any true love, my love for you is conditional. I’d die before I went public with a fat bff, and I’d expect you do the same for me. It’s that kind of conditional love that keeps our friendship alive. So please, let’s be friends – not through thick and thin, but through thin and thinner.