I am disgustingly fat and ugly.  My jeans don’t fit. My fingers are dirty from picking the chocolate off of peanut m&m’s, and I care so little about life that I would rather dirty my keyboard with sticky candy gunk than wash my hands. This is how I feel today.

Dear Everyone,

It’s me, Emaciated Lady. I’m so grateful for Skinny, who’s been covering for me in my absence, and I apologize to those who depend on us for a daily dose of cynicism. But I promise you, there’s nothing scarier than a fat anorexic and you’ll thank me someday for keeping my distance. Skinny Lady outed me today and now that you all know I started smoking again, I’m confident that I’ll get skinny in no time and help be your inspiration. In 38 days, Skinny is going to be by my side and I need to impress her with a wardrobe that doesn’t include spandex. Skinny, this is for you.

Oh also, most of my blogging inspiration comes from my ridiculously obese coworker and I feel guilty writing about her because she’s a kind person. And I don’t want to get fired for being a mean bitch.

Kindest Regards,
Emaciated (not so much) Lady

SIKE. We’re still as fucked up as ever!

I wish I had a good excuse for our prolonged absence, but I don’t. Emaciated Lady is lazy, and I’m just plain fat. My eating disorder has swung to the ugly end of the pendulum, thus rendering me too obese to:

1) look at myself without vomiting in my mouth a little;

2) fit into anything not made of 100 percent cotton/spandex;

3) blog about being skinny when there are small animals hibernating in my rolls of fat.

To our faithful fans, I owe my deepest apologies. Please forgive me. However, if you’re not the forgiving type, feel free to send hate mail to Emaciated Lady. It’s really all her fault anyway.

There are few things worse than being fat. Being fat and hungover is one of them. I accidently drank too much wine last night and somehow convinced myself I would still be able to work out in the morning. When my alarm clock went off at 5:15, I got out of bed and then fell immediately back in. I was still drunk and now I’m paying for it with a killer headache and a fat ass. Oh and I want to eat every carbohydrate in sight. I’m going to attempt to stay sober until Thursday.

Obese Inmate Hides Gun Under Flabs of Flesh
KTLA News

HOUSTON — An obese inmate in Texas has been charged after officials learned he had a gun hidden under flabs of his own flesh.

Twenty-five-year-old George Vera was charged with possession of a firearm in a correctional facility after he told a guard at the Harris County Jail about the unloaded 9mm pistol.

The Houston Chronicle reported Thursday that Vera was originally arrested on charges of selling illegal copies of compact discs.

The 500-pound man was searched during his arrest and again at a city jail and the county jail, but officers never found the weapon in his rolls of skin.

Vera admitted having the gun during a shower break at the county jail.

I’m about to have a PETA moment and I apologize to those that think advocating for something you believe in is self righteous.

For anyone who’s too lazy to read the Omnivore’s Dilemma or Fast Food Nation, you need to watch Food, Inc. stat. It’s disturbing that the government and the food industry can get away with abusing workers and animals in factory farms, compromise the safety of the food we eat, and be the primary source for the obesity epidemic.

We can help change this. Stop being fat and lazy. Go to http://www.foodincmovie.com/spread-the-word.php to help make a difference.

Dear Fans,

Please note that I will be absent until June 10. Yours truly is boarding a plane and heading to Canada tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, I didn’t reach my goal weight of zero, therefore the Caribbean was out of the picture. I promise to do my best not to get fat.

Warmest Regards,
E

“Why does revolting shit always happen to fat, ugly people?”

Extra Large Man, after hearing my obese coworker had a flea infestation in her bed.