My husband was sweet enough to share a crouton from his salad.  It even had a shred of lettuce on top. Thank god because that water was going nowhere in terms of satisfying my appetite.

Me: I love you, Bon Bon.
Bon Bon: And I love you, Skinny Lady.
Me: Even still, I have to eat you.
Bon Bon: I know you do, and I won’t hold it against you.
Me: Promise?
Bon Bon: Promise.
Me: Thank you…Note to readers: This conversation may seem unbelievable, but I assure you it took place. Either that, or I’m fucking out of my mind.

On this very special occasion, I’d like thank my mom for all she’s done for me in my 32 years. Thank you, Mom, for…

• teaching me to love hate my stomach because you always hated yours
• criticizing your kids’ weight to others like it was a joke
• instilling in me the nagging feeling that I’ll never be good enough
• making everything about you
• giving me a guilt complex that I fear will be with me always

You’re the best! Happy Mother’s Day!

Every single time I put a morsel of food in my mouth I wonder how many people I’ll alienate with my fat. Like just now - after eating veggies and artichoke dip, a string cheese, a Lindor truffle, some chocolate from Starbucks and two huge spoonfuls of Nutella, I felt compelled to confess my lapse to Emaciated Lady to see if she would still love me. Fortunately, she’s as eating disordered as I am. But now the rest of you see me for the real me. I’m no anorexic. I’m a fraud, and a fat one at that.

My BFF, also known as Emaciated Lady, is concerned that her recent carb binging has caused her to gain weight, and in an email confessional she tries to console herself by saying:

I keep reminding myself that you’ll love me even if I’m fat.

A sweet sentiment but sadly erroneous. This statement reveals the same false sense of security that causes so many of us in relationships to gain weight. The truth is, Emaciated Lady, I won’t love you if you’re fat. I can’t, otherwise I’d be doing us each a disservice.

Like any true love, my love for you is conditional. I’d die before I went public with a fat bff, and I’d expect you do the same for me. It’s that kind of conditional love that keeps our friendship alive. So please, let’s be friends – not through thick and thin, but through thin and thinner. 

Mr. Potato Head! That would explain why I love potatoes so fucking much. [Read more →]