SIKE. We’re still as fucked up as ever!

I wish I had a good excuse for our prolonged absence, but I don’t. Emaciated Lady is lazy, and I’m just plain fat. My eating disorder has swung to the ugly end of the pendulum, thus rendering me too obese to:

1) look at myself without vomiting in my mouth a little;

2) fit into anything not made of 100 percent cotton/spandex;

3) blog about being skinny when there are small animals hibernating in my rolls of fat.

To our faithful fans, I owe my deepest apologies. Please forgive me. However, if you’re not the forgiving type, feel free to send hate mail to Emaciated Lady. It’s really all her fault anyway.

Yesterday, I had lunch with some coworkers and in bad taste, admitted to them that I’m decidedly obese. One of the fat girls yelled that there was no way I was 100 pounds overweight. I told her that technically, you’re considered obese if you’re 30 pounds over your ideal weight. I’ve never seen a person’s face fall so quickly. It was like I told her she was dying. Now I feel bad.

Note: Fortunately, I’m not actually obese. Unfortunately, I’m at a healthy weight.

One of the highlights of my life was the layover I had in Dallas last year. I text messaged nearly everyone I knew to describe the phenomenon I was witnessing — obesity at its finest. I’m from California so the sheer number of fat people really threw me for a loop. I experienced a truly happy moment in that airport. Probably because I get an endorphin rush whenever I feel skinny and superior. Unfortunately, a friend of mine who grew up in Fort Worth, recently went back to visit his parents and experienced the opposite reaction. Last week he Tweeted:

“Obese kids are fucking depressing. Yes, I’m in Texas.”

I don’t blame my friend for feeling sad over the fate of these kids. Fat children don’t make me happy. I only gloat over fat adults.

Obese Inmate Hides Gun Under Flabs of Flesh
KTLA News

HOUSTON — An obese inmate in Texas has been charged after officials learned he had a gun hidden under flabs of his own flesh.

Twenty-five-year-old George Vera was charged with possession of a firearm in a correctional facility after he told a guard at the Harris County Jail about the unloaded 9mm pistol.

The Houston Chronicle reported Thursday that Vera was originally arrested on charges of selling illegal copies of compact discs.

The 500-pound man was searched during his arrest and again at a city jail and the county jail, but officers never found the weapon in his rolls of skin.

Vera admitted having the gun during a shower break at the county jail.

I witnessed a horrifying scene on my flight home from California the other day. A woman sitting in the row next to me was sandwiched between two little girls about 4 to 6 years old, and she was READING TO THEM FROM PEOPLE MAGAZINE. I know what you’re thinking – there’s nothing to read in People, and to be fair, she wasn’t really reading. She was pointing to the pictures and talking about the celebrities. At a certain point, she must have reached a feature on a formerly obese person who had lost weight because she started explaining to the girls how a person can get so fat. Her explanation was one for the medical books: “She got so fat because she ate A LOT of unhealthy foods.” Thanks, Genius Lady. You’re surely doing wonders for America’s future.

It pains me to write this, but I know a person who just outdid herself in the “you know you’re obese when” department. Every morning this person orders a venti caramel frappuccino with extra caramel and whipped cream for a little caffeine boost. This morning, she did something so absurd that even I, as a witness to this disgusting act, have trouble believing it really happened. She ordered two venti caramel frappuccinos with extra caramel and whipped cream. I saw her drink both.

She just encouraged me to start starving myself again.

Suppressing the appetite is key to having a successful career as an anorexic, but the appetite is not easily suppressed. I’ve found that what works best for me are natural appetite suppressants, and I don’t mean so-called natural supplements like hoodia and green tea extract. Those are scams and you’re an idiot if you fall for them. What I mean by natural appetite suppressant is exposure to any of the following:

• Animal excrement, namely cat puke and dog shit
• Discovery channel features on the morbidly obese
• The smell of other people
• Bugs of any kind
• Gout or goiter
• Ungroomed toenails
• Botched plastic surgery
• Ugly people
• Stupid people

My bff is a cheating whore. Behold the following message:

I want to confess that Jane and I shared a giant chocolate strudel from Extraordinary Desserts yesterday (we actually walked in the rain that’s how desperate we were) and I ate so much of it that I felt nauseous. I’m actually eating myself sick at this point. Like a shameless obese person. I’m spinning out of control and I don’t want to get back in control. What should I do?

You know what you should do, Emaciated Lady? Quit acting like a shameless obese person in public. That’s our special private thing.