I keep reminding myself that you’ll love me even if I’m fat.

A sweet sentiment but sadly erroneous. This statement reveals the same false sense of security that causes so many of us in relationships to gain weight. The truth is, Emaciated Lady, I won’t love you if you’re fat. I can’t, otherwise I’d be doing us each a disservice.

Like any true love, my love for you is conditional. I’d die before I went public with a fat bff, and I’d expect you do the same for me. It’s that kind of conditional love that keeps our friendship alive. So please, let’s be friends – not through thick and thin, but through thin and thinner.