Puppy ownership. Tending to a 9 week old puppy left me without a minute to spare today, and it was nearly 5 p.m. before I indulged in my daily string cheese and diet soda. Now let me be clear. I’m not one of those people who casually “forgets to eat.” Food is always on my mind, and it’s incomprehensible to me that food is not a universal preoccupation. Still, if I ever came close to forgeting to eat, today was that day.

Disclaimer: We are in no way advocating puppy ownership as a way to lose weight. We’re just saying it works for us. Of course, there are lots of homeless animals out there, so if you’re one of those do-gooder anorexic types, you could adopt a pet and lose weight, in essence, killing two birds with one stone.

Not because I’m anxious about the election, but because the number on the scale is up today. My mood is directly correlated to my weight on any given day. On a graph, it would look something like this:

Makes a hearty breakfast. Subsitute that with your tater tots and the weight will drop off. Other advice I can offer to the morbidly obese:

• Eat less
• Move more

The U.S. government controls our lives in almost every aspect so I implore them to do as the French do: Regulate Body Mass Index (BMI). Last Spring, the French government made it illegal to “incite extreme thinness.” If only we were so lucky. Congress should make morbid obesity illegal to help promote a healthier body image and change the shape of America. Further, I recommend restricting portion sizes at all food outlets and imposing hefty fines to those that don’t abide by the law. 

While I fully believe in taking personal responsibility for your weight, I can’t help but fault America’s notion of ”more for your money,” which always spills over onto food. Why the fuck do we need two-for-one deals on Big Macs? No one should even be eating Big Macs. And bottomless fries and endless bowls of tortilla soup? Are you fucking kidding me?

I have an eating disorder, which means my entire world revolves around food. I know how hard it is to limit oneself and I know this country makes it even more difficult. So if you’re reading this America, I beg of you, please do the responsible thing.

Of course I’m referring to myself. I’m 124.5 lbs of fat, but once I lose 5 more pounds, I’ll only have 119.5 to go before I reach my goal weight.

On a scale of 1 to 10, my goal weight is 0. Ponder that.