Category — Am I Skinny Yet?

I swear I spot a four-pack somewhere between those ribs.

Please, people, please make sure to flush twice after you drop a load in a public bathroom. I’m not trying to be crude. It’s just that floaters can totally ruin someone’s day, particularly if that someone happens to be the jealous, starving type in need of a serious bowel movement or twelve.

My quality of life would improve dramatically if my arms were this skinny. Fuck my fat genes.

My close proximity to Hollywood means I’m friends with people who regularly mingle with celebrities. A close friend of mine went to the Grammies on Sunday and told me something that made me more depressed than on the day I was compared to Kim Kardashian. She said that Beyonce Knowles is 5′1″ and skinny.

Does anybody understand why I’m so upset? Because Beyonce looks like a large-boned person with big thighs. I’ve always prided myself on being skinnier than her. If Beyonce actually is skinny, that makes me dangerously obese.

Dear Everyone,

It’s me, Emaciated Lady. I’m so grateful for Skinny, who’s been covering for me in my absence, and I apologize to those who depend on us for a daily dose of cynicism. But I promise you, there’s nothing scarier than a fat anorexic and you’ll thank me someday for keeping my distance. Skinny Lady outed me today and now that you all know I started smoking again, I’m confident that I’ll get skinny in no time and help be your inspiration. In 38 days, Skinny is going to be by my side and I need to impress her with a wardrobe that doesn’t include spandex. Skinny, this is for you.

Oh also, most of my blogging inspiration comes from my ridiculously obese coworker and I feel guilty writing about her because she’s a kind person. And I don’t want to get fired for being a mean bitch.

Kindest Regards,
Emaciated (not so much) Lady

I almost went to the gym today. I didn’t, but I’m pretty sure I burned at least 12 calories just thinking about it and that’s something.

A note to art fans:  Do you like the Rothko in the background? It’s an original.

A note to broke mother fuckers like myself:  Microsoft Paint is great for decorating your home when money’s tight. Just look at what I’ve done with my place.

I had an appointment to have a small cyst removed from my head the other day, and I’ll admit I looked forward to it with some excitement. Nor was I disappointed. Immediately upon excision, the doctor’s nurse held the little nugget in front of my face and exclaimed, “CONGRATULATIONS!!!” At first I thought I had given birth to a bouncing baby boy. But when I saw that my baby nugget was actually dead on arrival, I realized she could only be talking about the weight loss that accompanies the birth of a little one. Unfortunately (or fortunately), there are no scales at my dermatologist’s office but if I had to guess, I’d say I lost at least 1/2 a gram that day.

My husband was sweet enough to share a crouton from his salad.  It even had a shred of lettuce on top. Thank god because that water was going nowhere in terms of satisfying my appetite.