Category — Anorexic Recipe of the Week

This recipe is for those of you who are desperate to drop a few ounces from the rear. According to one of our sweet fans, it’s virtually guaranteed to get you going to the “lav” every day. If you’re American and you don’t know what a “lav” is, I’m pretty certain it’s the British equivalent of toilet, powder room or shitter, depending on your personal preference.

The Recipe:

• 15 grams (1/2 ounce) wheat bran - not bran cereal with added anything –  just plain bran, the one that’s under 200 calories/100g and is usually hidden by the really weird health food items
• 100g  (3 ounces)  any low fat yoghurt that’s under 90c for that amount - cherry flavour is best, or vanilla
• one good-sized scoop of lo-cal drinking choccie, or a sachet of one that’s under 40c

Boil some water and soak the bran for at least 15 minutes. Stir it into the yoghurt and chocolate, and let it all mix up really nicely. Wash it down with a big glass of plain green tea (no milk, honey or – LARD). It’s 160 calories to be sure, but you’re golden to be doing a dump sometime in the next 24 hours as long as you’re drinking plenty of water!

We have Serafina to thank for this one, which I have titled Adventure Broccoli. Enjoy!

Cut up half a head of broccoli into bite-size chunks and wash
Put in microwavable bowl and zap on full power for 2 minutes
Cover with salt, black pepper and hot chili powder and voila!
(Add a side of ketchup if you’re feeling risque or mustard if a little less adventurous)

Note: I have yet to make this because I haven’t been feeling risque or any level of adventurous lately. But when I do, I plan to skip the wash and use a non-microwaveable bowl for a little extra adventure.

1 corkscrew
1 bottle of Francis Coppola Director’s Cut  pinot noir
1 red wine glass

• Cut around the rim of the bottle with the sharp point of the corkscrew to remove the foil.
• Stand the bottle on a flat surface at mid-chest level and lower the arms of the corkscrew. Hold the corkscrew vertically and insert the sharp end directly into the middle of the cork. 
• Hold the top of the bottle securely and lower the end of the corkscrew with one hand. Begin turning the handle of the corkscrew clockwise with the other hand, applying downward pressure into the cork. As the corkscrew goes into the cork, the arms will begin to rise.
• Keep turning until the arms are completely raised and the screw is well into the cork. Press the arms down with your hand and lift, pulling the cork out of the bottle.
• Fill glass to the rim.
• Serve with a pack of Marlboro Lights.

Below is yet another recipe from this booklet, put together by my brilliant kindergarten teacher. The more I look at these recipes, the more likely it seems that many of my classmates turned out to be anorexic. Here’s “Corn,” by Richard. Invite your friends to share in the joy of this dish:

One qt. can of corn. Add one teaspoon of water. Bring to a boil. See if it’s done. If not, place in microwave until the bell rings. If it’s now done, add 10 grapes for that special touch. Then eat.

Serves: adults, friends and neighbors (some neighbors are kids)

It takes a creative chef (and/or desperate anorexic) to add grapes to corn. Thanks for this one, Richard!

This recipe comes from one of my kindergarten classmates and appears in the same recipe booklet as our last anorexic recipe of the week. I haven’t tried it yet, but I’m considering it for dinner tonight. It’s Spaghetti, by Lawrence (who has probably grown up to be a very successful anorexic):

Put 4 noodles in a big pot. Cook on stove top for 5 seconds. Pour in 3 spoons of red sauce on the noodles. Shake in 1 black pepper. Stir in 2 teaspoons of salt. Add 4 tomatoes. Put in 2 pepperonies. Stir in 4 ice cubes. Add 3 slices of corn. Mix in 4 green beans and mix in 4 cups of ice.

Serves: 5

Someone is going to have to go without a noodle and a green bean, but maybe that person can have some of the extra ice.

The following appears in What’s Cooking? Recipes to Add Spice to Your Christmas — a recipe book put together by my kindergarten teacher. My submission was called “Christmas French Toast” and I think it makes for an appropriate Anorexic Recipe of the Week:

Take one slice of bread and put it in a pan of oil and fry 4 seconds. Spread one slice of butter on bread. Pour on 1/2 bottle of syryp. It’s finished.

Serves: a lot of people

Um, since when does one slice of bread serve a lot of people? Apparently, my idea of portion sizes hasn’t changed much over the years…

We have Hana Hey to thank for submitting the following highly disordered but extremely low-cal recipe. We just might have to try this one for our next meal, which should be within the next day or three. She writes:

I love this when I’m craving noodles, and most people just laugh at my quirky eating habits when they see it. It’s not really a recipe.. but it’s also not a combo I’ve ever encountered before.

Low Carb Pasta(less) Dish

1) Put mixed green of your liking in a medium bowl. I like romaine lettuce, spinach leaves, or crunchier types depending on my mood.
2) Add 1/4-1/2 cup of your favorite pasta sauce.
3) Mix and enjoy.

Calories: 50-90, depending.

I suppose you could add mushrooms or cheese or something, but usually just the sauce kills my craving.

Ok, so here’s the thing - I’ve pretty much exhausted all my anorexic recipes. The truth is, I eat the same thing every single day and that kind of monotony is only going to take the recipe of the week so far. So to keep the Anorexic Recipe of the Week going, I’d like to welcome our readers to write guest posts with their favorite (preferably past, but if you’re in the throes, then present) anorexic recipes. It’ll be fun…we can be like Betty Crockers, except the eating disordered version. I only ask that the recipes be:

• Honest
• Funny
• Completely disordered

The more it is any of these things, the better. Remember we’re here to laugh, not promote this totally unsustainable, unhealthy and absurd lifestyle (if it can be called that). Email me at skinnylady@randomanorexics.com if you want to share your recipe.