Category — Attempts at Social Responsibility

Ever heard anyone say that if you want to lose weight, you should take a picture of yourself naked and stick it on the refrigerator? Well, for the first time ever I took a picture of myself naked. Not because I wanted to stick it on the fridge, but because I had actually convinced myself that I probably look better naked than I give myself credit for when I look in the mirror and I figured the camera might provide me with a more objective image. NOPE. So please, people, let my poor judgment serve as an example to you all. Do not try this shit at home.

Uggs are quite likely the least flattering fashion trend ever and yet, nearly a decade past their prime, I see the ugly beasts everywhere I turn. So this is a note to all the bitches who still think Uggs are cool: They make your legs look fat.  That’s right, skinny girls. Uggs make you look like you’ve got cankles. And if you’re legs are already thick, then you’re just making a bad situation worse. I say better to go fucking barefoot.

Please, people, please make sure to flush twice after you drop a load in a public bathroom. I’m not trying to be crude. It’s just that floaters can totally ruin someone’s day, particularly if that someone happens to be the jealous, starving type in need of a serious bowel movement or twelve.

In honor of Valentine’s day, Skinny Man took me shopping for a new bra and panty set.  Sounds sweet, right? WRONG. Not because of anything Skinny Man did, but because I had to buy the panty in a size large.  Um, if this ↓ is a size large…

…then what the fuck is THIS?

We like to consider ourselves anarchists, but sometimes the U.S. Government deserves a pat on the back:

The Obamas Battle Childhood Obesity
USA Today

President Obama reinforced first lady Michelle Obama’s battle against childhood obesity today, signing an executive order outlining federal help for the problem that affects a third of the nation’s children. Click here to read the rest of the article.

Dear Everyone,

It’s me, Emaciated Lady. I’m so grateful for Skinny, who’s been covering for me in my absence, and I apologize to those who depend on us for a daily dose of cynicism. But I promise you, there’s nothing scarier than a fat anorexic and you’ll thank me someday for keeping my distance. Skinny Lady outed me today and now that you all know I started smoking again, I’m confident that I’ll get skinny in no time and help be your inspiration. In 38 days, Skinny is going to be by my side and I need to impress her with a wardrobe that doesn’t include spandex. Skinny, this is for you.

Oh also, most of my blogging inspiration comes from my ridiculously obese coworker and I feel guilty writing about her because she’s a kind person. And I don’t want to get fired for being a mean bitch.

Kindest Regards,
Emaciated (not so much) Lady

Nothing is more challenging than trying to starve yourself in the face of a bunch of fat, perpetually hungry coworkers.  But I need to be able to fit into my jeans before my visit to Emaciated Lady in March, which means I’ve had no choice save to bring my starvation out into the open at work and dare a mother fucker to ask me to lunch.

Meanwhile on the opposite end of the country, Emaciated Lady has fallen back on her old faithful:  cigarettes. Why? Here’s what she says:

My weight gain was directly correlated to my quitting smoking and I need to get back on the skinny track or else I’ll find other ways to kill myself. Plus everybody needs a vice, right? And because I know I’m going to try and have a baby next year, I don’t have many days of smoking ahead of me.

Dear Emaciated Lady, don’t you know that cigs + pregnancy = low birth weight? Do yourself and your unborn child a favor and smoke for God’s sake.

Today is trim the tree day at work. Because I’m all about equality, peace and brotherhood in the workplace, I’m going to propose that we change it to trim the fat day – that way the Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus and atheists can participate.  And what’s more, we can nix the pizza and eat carrot sticks instead. I know, I’m virtually a saint.