Category — Benefits

I just finished my third 32 ounce bottle of water. That’s 96 ounces and it’s not even 2 p.m. You’re probably wondering what I hope to achieve by doing this. I hope it either A. causes me to pee a few pounds so I can get skinny or B. results in a water overdose, which seems like the most pure way to leave this earth.

I was craving something sweet last Friday so I asked a fat person I have regular associations with if she had anything to offer. She led me to her cave and opened up a box that had 7 different types of chocolate in little plastic baggies labeled with the cocoa percentage. We proceeded to do a taste test of each piece, judging the chocolate as if we were connoisseurs. My favorite was the Venezuelan with 78% cocoa that had an earthy, unrefined flavor.

I asked my fat friend where she got her stash and she admitted to recently attending a lecture on the Science of Chocolate, where she was told that consuming two bars of the stuff a day would do wonderous things for her health. I even saw the notes she took on a chocolate bar wrapper. I believe the first bullet said “good for your heart.”  

I can’t make this shit up.

Bones. That was the nickname given to an old friend I used to party with in my early 20s, and it was a nickname I always wished had been bestowed upon me instead. But she was a bony bitch, one of those girls who could truly eat anything and not gain weight, and I was, by comparison, a fat ass – aka the chubby friend,the body-type-inferior sidekick.

Recently, this person contacted me via Facebook. Now in her early 30s, she has the requisite two children and the body that inevitably accompanies both age and motherhood. I hate to say this, but WHO’S BONES NOW, BITCHES?

Every day at noon, I’m faced with a dilemma. I have two options: eat or go shopping (I’m within walking distance of a mall). I usually choose the latter (please ignore the below blog from my ex-bff) since I feel like it’s better to be a consumer than it is to consume calories. But I’ve begun tallying up the amount of money I’ve spent to avoid eating and so far I seem to be coming out ahead (thanks to the recession). I’m also getting exercise and fattening up my closet. So I guess I found several more reasons to support anorexia.

I was able to neglect my pangs of hunger all day so I can consume my daily caloric intake of 1,079 in one meal. Tonight I will feast!

Not only is thinness a virtue. It is Virtue itself. Some of us understand this intuitively, others intellectually. We are the light seekers. But there are some of us who dwell in a fat cave and insist on living in darkness and denial. Take this blog – The tone is obviously sarcastic, yet every one of the points she makes is actually true. Let me break it down:

Point 1 – “If you are thin, you are worth more.” Actually, yes, this is true.

Point 2 – “You are a hard worker.” Probably, yes.

Point 3 – “You have more will power.” Most definitely.

Point 4 - ”You are more educated on issues of nutrition and kinesiology, and you make the choice to live your life by those guidelines, because you clearly care more about yourself than others do.” Clearly, yes, this is the case.

Point 5 - ”You are obviously smarter and more dedicated than those fat fucks, those slovenly morons who must subsist on diets of chocolate and potato chips.  If only they would stop the madness, put down the Fritos (but you, being thin, of course, can have as many as you’d like), and get on a treadmill every once in a while.” Fat fucks is a harsher term than we might use, but, once again, yes, this is generally what we believe.

I’ve decided to treat myself tonight since I’ve been so good with my anorexia this week. I’m thinking french fries and pound cake.

One of the top three reasons I smoke is to supress my appetite so the idiots who invented the “liquid smoking” drink should have conducted some focus groups before investing money in such a stupid idea. Why the fuck would I want to consume calories to satisfy my cigarette craving when I’m smoking to stay skinny? It’s contradictory and I bet a lot of anorexic smokers would agree with me.