Category — Fashion

Today I shared the elevator with a woman who should have been taking the stairs. But she wasn’t, and I was trying not to judge because there I was on the elevator too. Then I glanced down and saw what looked like a small suitcase hanging from one of her arms, except it wasn’t a suitcase. It was her lunchbox, and the reason I know is because it was advertised embroidered on the side like this:

Ummm, I know exactly where her lunch is and I can tell you, the one place it ain’t is that bag. I’m not judging. I’m just sayin’…

I swear I spot a four-pack somewhere between those ribs.

Uggs are quite likely the least flattering fashion trend ever and yet, nearly a decade past their prime, I see the ugly beasts everywhere I turn. So this is a note to all the bitches who still think Uggs are cool: They make your legs look fat.  That’s right, skinny girls. Uggs make you look like you’ve got cankles. And if you’re legs are already thick, then you’re just making a bad situation worse. I say better to go fucking barefoot.

Carrie Bradshaw would be ashamed, but I consider this another milestone in the fight against obesity. I’m ordering my pair now! They’re ugly as hell, but at this point, I’d wear a vinyl thermal sweat suit in public if it means dropping a few pounds.

I just got a call from a charity asking me to donate my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
 
I told them to fuck off!!
 
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving…

With the beginning of any new season, one must accessorize accordingly to make oneself appear as emaciated as possible. My summer accessory: a deep golden tan. My latest must-have: Ovation Cell Hair Therapy. It’s designed for cancer patients and promises to make my hair thick and beautiful. The bigger the hair, the smaller I’ll look. It’s the perfect way to camouflage fat.

God I love these skinny bitches.

Ok, so this is the great  unveiling. These two t-shirts are the giveaway prizes and here I am, a fat fraud, modeling them in all my pudgy glory. I hope you all know how very much I love you that I would do this – I am practically naked in black cotton/spandex, exposing my rolls and pantylines for everyone to see. On the brightside, at least now you know I’m classy enough to wear underwear.

About the shirts — they’re both extremely fashionable, are they not? They’re American Apparel, size medium. When I pulled them out of the package, I immediately thought that my order had been confused with that of  an anorexic midget’s. But no, these were the shirts we created and if I was able to squeeze into them, I imagine the winners will be able to as well. If you win and the shirt turns out to be too small for you, let it serve as motivation to shed a few. If it turns out to be too big, consider yourself special.

The first shirt says: “I don’t diet…I starve,” and it features an image of a dancing skeleton. The second shirt says: “Drunkorexia…because it’s more fun than regular anorexia” and there’s an image of a martini glass. The best part about this one is the blurry font, and I’m angry we didn’t order more of these for ourselves.  I’m also sorry my husband isn’t a better photographer because the shirts really are fabulous. But in his defense, it was hard to hide my rolls.

Unfortunately we don’t have any green tea pills or Orlistat or ipecac syrup or large containers of Fucking Fabulous  or drugs or alcohol to give away, but now we know what to do next time.

xxx 

P.S. – We do not mean to discriminate against men here, and I think these shirts could very well be considered unisex. If you’re a man and you win, you can test it out on the streets for us. Or you could just give it to your girl as a not-so-subtle message to lose some fucking weight.