Category — Fashion

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but anorexia is not a look that works for everyone. This struck me as particularly true the other day when, as my husband and I were sitting on an outdoor bench, an obviously anorexic skeleton woman passed us. She seemed 7 feet tall, though I may be exaggerating. It was just that everything about her was exaggerated – her 6 inch chunky heels, the baggy highwaters, the awkward gait and jutting shoulder bones that scraped the sky. I felt bad for her, but wasn’t sure what she needed more: a wardrobe makeover or a hot fudge sundae. I guess the point is that if you’re going to look good as an anorexic, it helps to not be so tall.

You know what baffles my mind more than fat homeless people? Fat people who don’t realize they’re fat, therefore do not dress size-appropriate. My name is Healthy Weight Emaciated Lady and I have a hard time convincing myself that no one will pay attention to my cellulite if I wear shorts. So why do some obese bitches bear their bellies, stretch marks and all? If you’re on Facebook, please join the group I Wish Fat People Wouldn’t Dress Like Skinny People to support my cause.

Remember when Kate Moss entered the scene and was immediately referred to as “the waif”? I was looking at pictures of her today and realized that bitch is more curvy than most of the current supermodels. I eagerly anticipate the future of modeling.

Every day at noon, I’m faced with a dilemma. I have two options: eat or go shopping (I’m within walking distance of a mall). I usually choose the latter (please ignore the below blog from my ex-bff) since I feel like it’s better to be a consumer than it is to consume calories. But I’ve begun tallying up the amount of money I’ve spent to avoid eating and so far I seem to be coming out ahead (thanks to the recession). I’m also getting exercise and fattening up my closet. So I guess I found several more reasons to support anorexia.

It’s hard enough being an anorexic, much less a fashionable one. So as part of our continued attempts at social responsibility, we’d like to take this opportunity to share some of our favorite style secrets:

• Wear all black. It’s not morbid; it’s slimming.
• Invest in high heels and clothes with vertical stripes, both of which slim and elongate.
• Make sure your clothes are fitted to your frame. Think spandex. You didn’t get that skinny to hide your bones under layers of baggy clothing.
• Go big with accessories. Chunky jewelry and oversized handbags will contrast nicely against your anorexic figure. (We love this smartly designed vertebrae necklace.)
• Style your hair away from your face to accentuate your sunken cheeks, angled jaw and jutting clavicle.
• Avoid bathing suits (see why here) and children’s clothes, which should only ever be worn by kids and little people (aka midgets, dwarfs, the vertically challenged).

There’s a new product we think fat men should know about: the Core Precision Undershirt by Equmen. It “visibly streamlines the body,” which when translated means, ”lifts and holds any sloppy overflow of fat you might be sporting.” Basically, it’s a girdle – the masculine equivalent of Spanx. 

Now you might be thinking that man girdles are unsexy. But trust us, a man in a girdle is sexier than a man with rolls of pure lard dripping from his waist. So if you have a roll or six you need to firm up, this is what we would recommend. 

P.S. - Don’t be intimidated by the buff-looking model in the picture. He’s a fat slob underneath that shirt.

I would usually balk at the idea of an obese human wearing anything but black from head-to-toe, but once in a while I’m pleasantly surprised by the creativity I see at annual Christmas parties. With the right hair and makeup, fat people can wear sequins.

Some things, like the Rubik’s cube handbag, go way over my head.