Category — Fucking Assholes

I return from not eating lunch to find a tiny white box wrapped in a pink ribbon sitting innocently on my desk.

Turns out the fucking box wasn’t so innocent. A pregnant (a.k.a. fat and jealous) coworker decided this was a proper way to send a thank you note for attending her baby shower.

There was no avoiding a night out with the friends this week. I had postponed three times already – one more cancellation would have rendered me a total bitch and I prefer to be just 97 percent bitch. So the three of us headed to a Thai restaurant, where  I ordered garlic tofu over cabbage and my two friends ordered noodle dishes. 

No more than sixty seconds after my food was placed in front of me it was gone.  This is me snorting my dinner through a straw:

Meanwhile, an hour and a half later, my two friends are still picking away at their noodles, both of them eventually opting for a doggy bag to take home their half unfinished plates.

You know, I was trying not to be a bitch. But this is the type of shit that puts me over the edge, and those whorebags are lucky I’m nice enough to keep their faces out of my drawing.

After a miserable work function this afternoon, I thought I’d treat myself to food for lunch. I chose to go to an organic pizza place where I ordered a personal-size multigrain thin crust pizza with vegan rice cheese. The waitress told me I was a “champion” as she picked up my empty plate, but immediately realized how insensitive her comment was, so she followed it up with “you look great babe.” I can’t decide which is worse. Being called fat or babe.

My close proximity to Hollywood means I’m friends with people who regularly mingle with celebrities. A close friend of mine went to the Grammies on Sunday and told me something that made me more depressed than on the day I was compared to Kim Kardashian. She said that Beyonce Knowles is 5′1″ and skinny.

Does anybody understand why I’m so upset? Because Beyonce looks like a large-boned person with big thighs. I’ve always prided myself on being skinnier than her. If Beyonce actually is skinny, that makes me dangerously obese.

Since we opened up the dialogue about hate a couple of weeks ago, I thought I’d mention that one of our readers recently wrote to tell us he’d like to see more hate crimes against fat people on our blog. Apparently, we’ve simmered down in that department, which goes to say that RA has upped its moral integrity.

Okay, not really. The truth is, we currently fall into the fat category and we don’t want this to be a blog about self pity. I promise that as we lose weight, we’ll do our best to make people like Piddle suffer an intestinal hemorrhage more often. As for the rest of you, we hope our rants about the dangerously obese population serves as inspiration to never get fat.

In the spirit of giving, I thought you’d all enjoy a recent email exchange between me, Skinny and our fucked up friend Crazy D.

Skinny Lady: I just wanted to let you both know what a fat and gluttonous pig I am – I have in front of me a sandwich AND a piece of pizza (left over from the tree trimming party on Friday). And I’m thinking about what I’m going to munch on when I go home to check on the dog in 5 minutes. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

Emaciated Lady: I want to let you both know that my obese coworker brought me a grocery bag filled with super-sized ginger cookies. Her mother baked them for me this weekend and HER MOTHER wrote me a note that said: “I know how much you like these Emaciated Lady. Enjoy!” I don’t know what’s more disturbing. That her mom knows me by name or that her mom is spearheading the “Get Emaciated Lady Fat” movement.

Crazy D: Ha! You both tell very sad stories. They are also reminders that we are entering the treacherous waters of the holiday season, bane of the eating disordered. My birthday was last month, so what did my wife do? Made me a cake *and* gave me a box of Godiva truffles. You can see that her definition of “love” is unique to her and indeed looks more like what most people would call “sadism.” And this was two days after Thanksgiving of course. Perhaps we need to commit to some kind of no-eating pledge for the rest of the month. Please advise.

Emaciated Lady: It’s too late for my no-eating pledge so I will encourage you both to join me in the “I don’t give a fuck if I’m fat in December” pledge.

There are Dunkin Donuts Munchkins in the kitchen, a fact I was informed of immediately upon my arrival at work this morning. Yesterday there were bagels. Tomorrow is a holiday 3-course  luncheon. I’ve lost all will.

P.S. – The  mini Baby Ruth is my typical morning meal, and I fear it would feel left out if I didn’t include it in this morning’s breakfast festivities. Look at how it’s just smiling at me.

Emaciated Lady has written what is perhaps our most controversial post. And while we rarely get negative feedback on our blog, when we do, it’s usually from idiots geniuses like “Piddle,” who has this to say:

Fucking Anorixics – being overweight should as condemned as being anorexic, bulimic and such. Anyone so weak minded that they can’t control their food intake to the point of eating healthy has a serious problem. Anorixics think they have control, but they have none. Their illness controls them, and their ego, creating a primitive desire to feel superior, keeps them locked in this primal state. Anyone exhibiting this type of behavior should be removed from society – but especially the fucking hypocrites. Really, I hardly think that someone with her own sick eating disorder has any right to tear down other people for various other eating disorders. Hate I can tolerate; hypocrisy needs to die.

I’ve decided not to respond to this since Piddle obviously ignored my “Welcome” directive to only chastise us if one can do it smartly. So I’m going to leave this one up to you guys. Have fun!