Category — We Love Animals

True story: I was sunbathing on my back when I flipped over and noticed two seagulls several feet to my right. Seemed innocent enough. Seagulls usually don’t stick around unless you’re throwing french fries at them (or so I’ve heard), and I didn’t even have any food on me. So no big deal. I closed my eyes and continued to soak up some sun. A few minutes later, I happened to open my eyes to find more than a dozen seagulls encroaching onto the little spot of beach I carved out for myself. I kept closing my eyes hoping they’d disappear or go find someone else to harass, but no – every time I opened my eyes, they seemed to have moved an inch or two closer. It was one of those rare eerie moments that can mean only one of two things: 1) the birds could smell my fat roasting in the sun and wanted to eat me, or 2) Alfred Hitchcock lives.

Emaciated Lady adopted a great dane “puppy” just days before my visit. Puppy my ass. This is the monstrosity that Skinny Man and I were greeted with upon entering her home:

A normal person might be intimidated by the size of this creature. But I’m less intimidated than I am hungry. To me, he looks like a giant Oreo blizzard. So if anyone should be afraid, it’s him.

My fat cat was consuming her breakfast with such urgency this morning that before she could even finish, she vomited it back up in her bowl. Where she would pick up such unseemly behavior is another story (on which I have no comment, thank you very much).

My coworker friend REFUSES to believe that I’m hiding fat under my clothes. We were having a heated discussion after I mentioned needing a girdle Spanx, and just as I was about to to strip down naked to prove my point, she compared me to my impossibly svelte Italian Greyhound. Now I could have been offended that she was comparing me to a dog, but I was actually rather flattered. At a barely there 8 lbs, with long stick-like legs and a waist any woman would die for, my dog is one of the few creatures I’m happy to be compared to. So thank you, coworker friend. I can now  forgive you for that egg nog latte.

There have been several occasions in my life when I wished more than anything to have a camera permanently fixed around my neck like a tourist. Like this one time when I saw Darth Vader and Princess Leia sharing a burrito at Roberto’s. Or this other time, when I watched a mother put a leash on her kid and then hold her dog in her arms.

Yesterday, I think I witnessed what was the most shocking thing of all (Extra Large Man can vouch for me since I obviously didn’t have a camera) – a completely “normal” woman wearing gym attire was power walking with her tiny weiner dog AND HER PET PARAKEET. She was casually holding the stick her parakeet was perched on as they crossed the street on their way to the beach as though it were the MOST NATURAL ACT IN THE WORLD.

I applaud this women for her attempt to make herself and her animals skinny.

My boss heard a violent growl from my stomach yesterday and later described it to some of my coworkers as sounding “like some kind of zoo animal.” I was mortified, and I wanted to say it sounds like a zoo animal because my hunger is a fucking caged beast.

As you can imagine, this new campaign has been the source of a lot of controversy among the obese.

I’ll do almost anything for the love of animals, including eat. So last night my husband and I went to California Pizza Kitchen, which for one day only offered to donate 20% of your check to a local animal shelter. Now I know some hardcore anorexics might ask, “Why not just donate the cash directly and thereby avoid the food situation altogether?” In fact, I asked this of myself. But I have several good reasons for eating for charity. One, it’s more fun. Two, my husband needs to eat and it’s not fair for me to deprive him. Three, I’M FUCKING STARVING and one meal isn’t going to kill me. At least that’s what my therapists have told me.