Does anybody understand why I’m so upset? Because Beyonce looks like a large-boned person with big thighs. I’ve always prided myself on being skinnier than her. If Beyonce actually is skinny, that makes me dangerously obese.

Little girl: Is that Lizzie’s mom?

Coworker: That’s not Lizzie’s mom! That’s Skinny Lady. Remember you met her earlier?

Me: Do I look like Lizzie’s mom?

Coworker: No, Lizzie’s mom is about 400 lbs!

Since we all know kids don’t lie, I hope you all will understand if I go fling myself from a bridge. It’s been fun.

Since I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about, I said no and walked away. But then my curiosity got the best of me, so I turned around and asked what kind of good news I might be expecting. She smirked and whispered, “that you’re pregnant.” My instantaneous reaction was to look down and measure the protrusion of my belly. She must’ve noticed what I was doing because she then added, “you know, because you almost fainted a few weeks ago…”

Right. Because almost fainting + doctor’s appointment weeks later = must be knocked up. Completely logical conclusion. Now I have to worry about mother fuckers watching my stomach to see if I’m lying. I’m tempted to just put a sign there that says, “It’s a genetic flaw, not an incubator, now mind your own fucking business.”

I really have no room to criticize the artwork here, but Jesus, what the fuck is up with those hands? A more appropriate title would’ve been “Crustaceous Hermaphrodite” or “Mesopotamian Fertility Goddess.”

P.S. – If you’re wondering what Crazy D really looks like…

Even though I have yet to actually see the film, the trailer was enough to make me gag and giggle simultaneously as A. I’m unabashedly disgusted by really fat people and B. I’m a huge fan of horror films.

Apparently, the feeder sees himself as some sort of vigilante by forcing these women to reject society’s standards of thinness. I’ve got a brilliant idea. How about we stop worrying so much about the fucking standards of beauty imposed by society and start worrying about the health dangers of obesity like DEATH. Why doesn’t anyone give a shit about society’s standards of health?

When I placed my order, the waitress inquired, incredulously and a little concerned, if this was a dish I had ever ordered before. The reason she asked, she explained, was because it’s quite a giant serving. “DUH, YOU STUPID BITCH. DON’T I FUCKING LOOK HUNGRY TO YOU?” was what I almost said, but I bit my tongue and told her that I knew it was a lot and my skinny ass husband was going to help me eat it, which he did.

Just as we finished everything up, she stopped by again, but this time she was applauding us, like actually clapping her hands applauding and congratulating us on our “nice work.” I almost kicked that whore in her fat kneecaps for drawing such unnecessary attention to my food consumption. I’ll bet fat fuckers don’t get applauded when they finish their meals.

HOUSTON — An obese inmate in Texas has been charged after officials learned he had a gun hidden under flabs of his own flesh.

Twenty-five-year-old George Vera was charged with possession of a firearm in a correctional facility after he told a guard at the Harris County Jail about the unloaded 9mm pistol.

The Houston Chronicle reported Thursday that Vera was originally arrested on charges of selling illegal copies of compact discs.

The 500-pound man was searched during his arrest and again at a city jail and the county jail, but officers never found the weapon in his rolls of skin.

Vera admitted having the gun during a shower break at the county jail.