WWSLD?

At the request of a loyal reader, I’ve decided to start a new series of posts called “What Would Skinny Lady Do?” For the inaugural post, Crazy D. has submitted the following question:

Dear Skinny Lady,
 
My sweetheart gave me Godiva truffles for Valentine’s Day. This was very nice of her, except that now I’m a porcine wad. What should I say to her to express both my appreciation and my contempt for her gift?

Dear Crazy,

I highly doubt that you are a “porcine wad,” as you so eloquently suggest. But to answer your question, you should tell your sweetheart exactly what I told my mother, who insisted on being my Valentine (despite my protests and the fact that I already had one) and forced on me a bag of Rolo candies, a bag of dark chocolate Hershey’s Kisses, a tub of Nutella and a loaf of Hawaiian sweet bread - I told her, “Thank you. Now please excuse me while I go eat myself fat and die.”